Karla Escobar. MySpace.com? And Elmo Live is Pretty Freaky Cool.

Elmo is Alive! Alive! Run!

Man, you folks are desperate for some MySpace action. Let me give you a few words of advice: Just. Stay. Away. MySpace is evil. You will never find more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

Try LinkedIn or FaceBook or some other networking environments. Or start a WordPress Blog. Or try Google’s own Orkut. Or for that matter, go the Twitter route.

If you gotta go, come on. It’s www.MySpace.com. There. Done. Was that so hard?

I mean, seriously. Half the popular searches on The Google today look like they are for something MySpace related. MySpace, www.myspace.com, myspace mobile . . .

You also remain desperately interested in Elmo Live. Man, you Internets love yourself some Elmo.

Okay, the little booger is pretty cool. Is it just me, or does that thing look simultaneously very expensive and awfully breakable?

Karla Escobar Fired for Being Naked! The Injustice! Aren't We All Naked At Some Point? Just cuz she was making a little extra moolah. It's capitalism, peoples!

In other news, I also know why you’re searching for Karla Escobar. She’s a probation officer who has been suspended for having her own personal porn site.

Here’s some super hot Karla Escobar video for ya!

If someone has a link to the naughty, naughty site, do the Internetz a favah and post it in the comments. Thanx!

I’m Too Fat To Die! No, You’re Not. Have some Monkey Bread.

Richard Cooey, who said he was too fat to die, found out that he was, in fact, just big boned, and exactly the right weight for a lethal injection.

Richard Cooey. What a charming fellow.

Cooey and a buddy dropped a concrete slab, from an overpass, onto Wendy Offredo and Dawn McCreery’s car. These lovely fellows pretended to rescue them, and then proceeded to rape and torture ’em until they bludgeoned them to death. As a result, the other guy will live in prison, until he dies, on the taxpayer dime. Richard Cooey has been eating fat-on-the-hog at your expense since 1986. And was still indignant over being put to death, a jillion years later. Did he give a stay of execution to Dawn McCreery?

Richard Cooey was pronounced dead at 10:28 AM Eastern, I’m assuming today. Don’t the door to Hell hit ya on the ass on the way down.

Steve Ballmer is the news. Apparently, he’s escalating his war on Apple, cuz Microsoft only has, like, 75% of the consumer PC business and 90% of the business PC market. Way to focus, Ballmer.

Steve Ballmer is apparently busy slamming the Mac Office products. He’s also saying the fact he couldn’t get Jerry Yang to sell him Yahoo! at any price was a “dodged bullet”. He’s probably right about that. For both companies.

You folks apparently are lovin’ yourselves some Monkey Bread.

You’ve all developed a sudden spontaneous in monkey bread. Could it be because of your sudden interest in Monkey Boy, above? And you’re getting together and having Ballmer parties and making monkey bread and watching Ballmer’s weird freaky dance video on YouTube? Nah. That ain’t it.

I wonder if “Too Fat To Die” liked Monkey Bread?

It looks tasty. I bet I’d like monkey bread.

Riley Presley? Natalie White? And Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

You’re searching for Natalie White. The “All American Girl” Natalie White? Or some other Natalie White? Because there are a lot of them.

This is the Natalie White from All American Girl. Which was from 2003. Either you had a suddenly renewed interest in this old reality TV show, or you are thinking of another Natalie White. Best of luck finding her, if so.

The NatalieWhite.info site.

By Riley Presley, you mean Riley Keough.

Riley Keough, not Presley. Pretty cute though. And still, 2 generations removed, looks a lot like The Elvis.

 Can’t deny that there is a distinct cuteness factor going on there. And, since she’s a professional model, I guess that’s handy.

Danielle Riley Keough (her full name) is Pretty Cute. Gotta Admit It. The King had some Good Genes.

So Marsha Brady was a lesbian? Who would’ve guess that? I mean, I may have thought about it a lot as a young boy with Irritable Male Sinfulness, but I didn’t think she really was.

Do I care? Not really.

Irritable Male Syndrome. Man, Do I Have That. Vanessa Hudgens Makes Me Irritable.

You Internets is out searching for Vanessa Hudgens and Bobby Bones, because apparently you like cute girls for some reason. Pervs.

Vanessa Hudgens, she thinks she’s so hot. Makes me irritable.

You folks are looking for Bobby Bones and Vanessa Hudgens Vacation Pictures. What, exactly, are you expecting to see? You ain’t finding much, I can tell you that.

Uh-oh. Vanessa Hudgen’s Getting it On With Some Hot Girl-on-Girl Action. She’s a freak. Not taking her home to mother, I’ll yell ya that.

Hang on. Found something.

Oh yeah. That's hot. You people sure waste a lot of time.

In other news, you are finally realizing the tragedy of Irritable Male Syndrome. If you like, you can The Irritable Male Syndrome Quiz. These folks say IMS is similar to Male Menopause. Male Menopause? Seriously? You gotta be pulling my chicken leg, Internets.

Look. It’s like this. Irritable Male Syndrome is called “having testosterone”. It is only caused by two things: (a) irritating women, and (b) other stuff that is irritating.

Guys looking for excuses for why they get pissed off at stupid stuff so they don’t have to blame themselves or whatever stupid shiznit they’re pissed off at are suffering from “lack-of-balls-itis”, not Irritably Masculine Syndromisity.

Medicinet on Irritable Male Syndrome. Now, get the hell outa here, you’re pissing me off.

The Bible Code and the Crackberry. Plus Bethany McClean.

Whatchu talkin’ about, Internets? You searching for the Bible Code? Was someone on Coast-to-Coast AM in the wee hours that got you all excited? Well, don’t be. Personal Freedom Outreach says pretty much what I think about it, but better.

My favorite quote from PFO:

Christians, quite frankly, have trouble enough obeying the plain and obvious things that we do understand from Scripture without making up other things.

In my experience, most of the folks who buy into the Bible Code either live in a bunker with a lot of water and canned food and ammunition, or are quickly on their way to that kind of lifestyle. 

Bethany McLean. She brought down Enron. She edits Fortune magazine. She's pretty cute, too. And Bethany is a great name.

It’s funny, I mention Enron just the other day, relating it to today’s current financial destruction, and look who is in the news: Bethany McClean, the woman who helped bring Enron down, and co-wrote one of the best books on it: The Smartest Guys in the Room.

She called ’em on it. All the analysts were gushing about Enron back in the day, and Bethany McLean asked: Well, what is it they do, exactly?

So, she looked into it, and it turned out they didn’t do much of anything but shuffle paper and book non-existent profits to jack up their stock price. Enron had a giant wall sized display in the elevator at their headquarters with a real time feed of their stock price. And they were supposed to be an energy company. Think they were keeping their eyes on the wrong thing? I do, and I’m pretty sure that’s been the case with the whole market just recently.

Bethany called out Freddie Mae and Fannie Mac back in 2005. Booyah, Bethany. She should be Secretary of the Treasury.

Crackberry Addict Fires One Up. Rots your brains, and you lose all your friends. It's a terrible disease.

Crackberry is the name for RIM’s Blackberry (invented by John McCain, mind you) applied to it by actual BlackBerry addicts, and also the people who have to suffer with BlackBerry addicts.

There’s a site for Crackberry Addicts, right here. Wordspy has the official crackberry definition.

I snagged the pic from www.howimademyfirstdollar.com . . . man, that’s what you call an awkard URL. Best of luck with that, Internets.

Enjoy.

Tim Mahoney in Sex Scandal? Nah, It’s Not A Scandal! He’s a Democrat!

Congressman Tim Mahoney, who replaced Mark Foley (the Republican congressman who was a little too friendly in his IMs to certain staffers), has an inconvenient scandal of his own. Of course, it’s nothing like sending suggestive IMs to certain staffers, but having a mistress that you bribe with a job and who then blackmails you for a payoff to avoid a lawsuit . . . heck, that’s okay, cuz Mahoney is a Democrat. Sex scandals are cool when you’re a Democrat.

Tim Mahoney. I hope his mistress was cuter than he is. Eww.

Says in the article (click Tim Mahoney’s ugly mug to read it) that Mahoney is also calling for a probe into himself. He wants them to probe him. Dude is messed up. Seriously. A major perv. This is what they dumped Mark Foley for? Good thinking, voters.

Remember how terrible and evil and insidious Mark Foley’s sexually suggestive text messages were? Remember what a horrible, terrible thing George Allen’s macaca was? But Tim Mahoney was paying hush money to an ex-mistress and the defense is: well, it wasn’t campaign funds. So it’s okay. I’m sorry, George Allen was using campaign funds to buy macacas? Mark Foley was using campaign funds to solicit interns? 

Double-standard? Yes. Surprising. Nope.

Ah, here’s the homewrecker, Patricia Allen:

Here she is. Jeesh, she's about as hard to look at as he is.

More on the Mahoney Scandal from Right Pundits. Ace of Spades notes that Tim Mahoney does have a Republican challenger. That would be Tom Rooney. Tom looks more All-American, and is just Better Looking, than Tim Mahoney. By a long shot. Vote Tom Rooney, you people in Florida who can vote for him. Send Obama to the Whitehouse if you must, but kick old Tim Mahoney the heck out.

Update: Now you folks are searching a lot on Patricia Allen. More news and views on the whole mess here. For you folks who think I got my head up my arse, and there ain’t no difference in how Republicrats and Demogogicals get treated in these sexy, sexy scandals, I don’t care what you think. You’re just wrong with a capital ‘P’, and that’s hard to do, but you’ve done it.

He may get the heave-ho, but the Dems already tried to cover it up–when complaining about how Hastert tried to cover up Foley–and they aren’t getting called out on it, or calling out themselves. They get treated different.

But, when it comes down to it, they are all Politicians, which are basically just Lawyers who already have all your money, so they are all pretty much full of shiznit. They just prove themselves to be monumentally stupid, too.

Mitochondrial Disease: It’s What Gives a Jedi His Power

 

Anakin Skywalker Suffered from Mitochondrial Disease. It apparently causes its victims to speak horrible dialogue in increasingly tedious sequels.

No, seriously, I was thinking of midi-chlorians. This is Mitochondrial Disease. Sounds bad, but kind of ambiguous.

I’ve got nothing else. I just saw the mitochondrial thing and thought “Phantom Menace!” I’m a geek. Never denied it.

Anti-Palin T-Shirts and Buttons. And the Whole Sarah Palin is a C**t Thing.

Not cool, Internets. Not cool. This Anti-Palin stuff goes from political speech to declare-myself-to-be-a-tasteless-moron speech.

Not so bad. Guarantee you, they get worse.

These are also a little harsh, and not safe for work. Zazzle has some that are all right, and they got anti-Obama, too.

More Anti-Palin shirts. They sure like that c-word.

And how about this one? Retarded Republican Babies for Palin. In infant and toddler sizes.

Wee-hoo. Liberals are more funny and more creative than conservatives. Uh-huh.

Stay classy, lefties. Or at least, occasionally, try to have a little class.