Britney Spears and Paris Hilton Get Naked with Lindsay Lohan, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt. Plus Jenny McCarthy.

Or, Happy Belated Thanksgiving! Happy Turkey Day!

It is a turkey. Happy Belated Thanksgiving.

I won’t get into why I didn’t post any over the Thanksgiving Holidays, a time when we should all give thanks, love our country, fantasize about a hot chick dressed like Pocahontas, and re-read George Washington’s Thanksgiving Day Address. 

So what does the headline, and quite a few of my tags, have to do with Thanksgiving?

Well, first of all, they are all people who have a lot to be thankful for.

If Brad Pitt were less attractive, sixty pounds heavier, and way poorer, he would be no different from you or me. Kind of puts it all in perspective does it not?

Second, they are all people we should be thankful for not being (except possibly Brad Pitt).

Third, they are all people who have been demonstrably naked at some time or another, and we could potentially be thankful for that. Depending.
 

New for Christmas! Its The Bondage Paris Hilton! Tied up With Microphone Cable! Ready to Please You! All the Kids Want One!

But also because I’m thankful for the blog-o-sphere, and I’m thankful for Google Trends, and then deeper trends I see by looking at the logs, and seeing what kind of searches people keep hitting my blog-o-thingy on on a consistent basis. 

For example, one or two posts on Karen Allen, and I get a steady of trickle of hits on her as a search term every day. 

Karen Allen, beautiful as always, who you mostly seem to be looking for naked, which is understandable. I do not have those pictures here, but she is still beautiful. Yes, she is.

So, that’s Karen Allen. But one chick I’ve only mentioned once or twice is Lindsay Lohan, and you would think in this world of a gazillion pages on The Lohan, my minor mention wouldn’t get any notice at all. But there is a steady trickle. Presumably of Lohan-lookers who have gotten to the 438th page of results on “Lindsay Lohan” and have finally gotten to me. You pipples are obsessed.

Then there is Lindsay Lohan. Who is no doubt Lohan-liscious. But, jeeze, do not you peoplez ever get enough of the drunken irresponsible really-hot bimbo thing? Guess not.

I’ve never really mentioned Paris Hilton before, I don’t think. So this is kind of an experiment in that regard. Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton, Paris Hilton! Is magic happening yet?

Paris Hilton giving us that come hither stare. Turning on the Bette Davis Eyes. You know what I am talking about.

Then, there’s Britney Spears. She makes catchy bubble-gum music. She can be very cute

Britney Spears in a Silver Cat Suit

She can look very futuristic and modern in a silver catsuit.

Britney Spears Demonstrates her Oral Abilities. In Concert. Of course that is what I meant. What were you thinking, pervertz?

Indeed, she can be very, very hot when performing.

Britney is also very patriotic.

And she can take a good picture, when someone dresses her up right.

On the other hand, Britney Spears is also an ongoing, never-ending, rubber-neck-inducing train wreck:

Yikes! Britney Bald! Well, I guess she showed us.

So, I think the fascination with Britney is pretty easily explained. Lohan, too, I guess, since there is a human desire to watch a trainwreck and a pretty good likelihood with folks like Lindsay and Britney that there will be a serious derailment of the life train at some point, and it will be something to watch (even if we watch it queasily). But again, this is all very well-covered on the Internetz . . . how is it my late and minor mentions get any trickly of rubber-neckers at all? Very interesting, to me. And being interested is pleasant. And thus,  am thankful for the interesting-ness of it all. God bless the Internetz, and God bless us all, every one. Even Britney.

Then there are folks like Jenny McCarthy, who seems to have it generally together, even if she’s making the autism=vaccinations crusade the focal point of her life, which can make her seem a little, um, off-putting. But whatever. She’s still hot in the bathtub.

Jenny McCarthy Takes a bath. So hot I think I will upload this image, so it can be my go-to image anytime I have anything to say about Jenny McCarthy

And then there is Angelina Jolie. There’s just something about Angelina Jolie. You must admit then, mustn’t you, yes? 

Angelina Jolie has a Certain Appeal. Gotta admit it.

And, yes, she’s crazy enough that in addition to all the hotness, one always suspects there is an oncoming trainwreck. Or ritual murder.

Does Jolie Have Potential as a Ritual Murderer? I dunno. But I think most of us see the possibility.

Then there is Jennifer Aniston. Who is interesting because she was on Friends, and interesting because she made us believe she could actually be attracted to David Schwimmer, and interesting because she was doing the nasty with Brad Pitt but then Brad Pitt left her for Angelina Jolie and while she dabbled with Vince Vaughn and others, she’s bent on stalking Brad and breaking Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt up so there will no longer be a Brangelina. Just like she did with Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck (otherwise known as Bennifer),though she was so slick nobody ever knew it was her. 

Jennifer Aniston. Cute, but devious.

And don’t get me started on other famous people I’m going to think of later and add to this article, because I’m genuinely curious as to how many over-covered stars and starlets and subjects of rumor and innuendo I can stick into one post, and then count how much trickle it gets from now until eternity. Um . . . Howard Stern? People are always searching the Google for Howard Stern. I’ll be thinking about it.

Matthew McConaughey! Who got arrested for playing bongo drums naked. Go to the link at look at the picture. Doesn’t his hairline appear to be receding? And that was almost ten years ago. How is it he always seems to have a luxurious head of hair in all the new movies? Hmmm? Conspiracy, that’s what it is. Conspiracy.

 

In the meantime, Stay Classy, Internetz.

Terror Attacks In Mumbai, India Result in Predictably Massive Searching

It’s all about the terror attacks in India this morning–that and Tom Colicchio being some kind of gay “bear” icon (which I think is all about really hairy guys doing it with each other–ewww!) and that toolbag that got lost in space, but mostly it’s about terrorist attacks in Mumbai.

Terrorist attacks in Mumbai, India.

Not to be flip or glib (like I would do that), but I though Barack Obama was going to unite the world, lower the sea levels, and bring peace to all peoples. Whassup with that?

You are searching a lot for the latest hero to die in the war against terrorism, Hemant Karkare. Also Vijay Salaskar and the bad guys taking credit for these attacks, the Deccan Mujahideen. Go to the Wikipedia entry of the Deccan Mujahideen and refresh to watch it get updated constantly as the story is in the news.

Orbis Pro Vox is Latin for “Circle for Cry” . . . and I Am An Xcellent Spelller

Why? What does that mean? Why are you searching for it? Sometimes you Internetz are so confusing. Probably something on TV. I wouldn’t know what was on TV tonight, as I’ve been watching The Elmo Movie.

Elmo, Do Not Go Into the Circle for Crying! Do Not Do It!

Mandy Patinkin had very big eyebrows in that movie.

Mandar Pantinkinitz Played Aldous Huxley in the Elmo Movie.

Update: May have been “Orbis Pro Vox Vocis”, which could be “Ring for Right”. Which the writers of Pushing Daisies got from throwing phrases into an online Latin translator. Check comments for more.

On an “inside baseball” kind of housekeeping note, for people complaining about my grammar: you’re all stupid, you don’t know what you are talking about, and it is never going to change. This last part is especially important. Most of the time, I do it on purpose. When it is by accident, I usually just don’t care that much. I may fix it, but it isn’t going to change how I write stuff. Ever.

But your complaining is entertaining, and makes me smile with smug satisfaction at how much smarter and better I am than my critics in almost every way. So keep it up.

Besides which, my grammar and spelling are both excellent. As well as is the in depth research I do on every story I report on, which should be obvious to anybody who ever reads anything I’ve ever written. I slave over this blog. Like a slave.

Is it Bad Spelling? Or a Subtle Warning for the Future?

I borrowed that bit above from CartoonStock.com, in case the gigantical watermark didn’t clue you in. 

Accusations that I’m easily distracted by pictures of hot chicks easily found on the Internetz are totally off-base. I’m serious.

Wha? Um. Oooh.

Sandra Taylor Likes Sports. Was I saying something important? Probably not.

Okay, yeah, big deal. So what. Never mind.

Laterz, Internetz.

 

Who is Siri Pinter? Oh, Wait, I Don’t Care

Apparently, Siri Pinter is the girlfriend of Carson Daly, who has gotten her impregnated but apparently has no intentions of making an honest woman out of her.

Siri Pinter and Some Even Less Interesting Guy Named Will Lerner. Apparently Carson likes to raid the staff for his girlfriends. Gets first pick. All the choice chicks. But one day, Will Lerner will have his revenge. Oh, yes, he will.

And yet, I still don’t care.

There used to be a Siri Pinter blog, but it’s gone. Go check out the Google Cache of siripinter.blogspot.com before it’s gone forever! Which will be soon.

Carson Daily Turns Out Not to Be Gay Like Almost Everyone Thought.

More about Siri. All right, that’s it, I’m getting sleepy. This is very boring, Internetz.

Ann Coulter Breaks Jaw; Liberals Too Hategasmic With Schadenfreude To Realize It Doesn’t Stop Her from Writing

Apparently, lefties who have complained about her books and her columns don’t understand that Ann getting her jaw wired shut doesn’t stop her from writing. Huh.

Ann Coulter has Broken Her Jaw, So it Had to be Wired Shut.

Ann can be abrasive. She is hostile. I certainly wouldn’t want to date her. But she’s sort of like the Michael Moore of the right, only more accurate and more thoughtful. Of course, “ends justifies the means” only applies to lefties and advancing socialism, not conservatives with their whacky ideas of “patriotism” and “self-sufficiency”. Those crazy bass-tards. More lefty love for Ann.

Yeah, she shoots off her mouth. But I like her. My main complaint? She really needs to eat a hamburger. Some mashed potatoes. Something.

Ann Coulter Needs a Cheeseburger. With bacon. A few of them. Seriously.

So, how’d she break her jaw? News is scant, but apparently it was a fall, not because she was attacked by an enraged Obama supporter who carved a backwards ‘B’ on her face, as was previously reported.

I could go on. Ann Coulter is the kind of pundit folks on the right have to “like” with all sorts of caveats, while lefties are free to lavish praise on mass murderers like Stalin and Mao and free to idolize plain old murderous thugs, like Che. Interesting, that.

In semi-related advertorializing, I know where she could get some nutritional supplements. And, if she needed to protect her computer from viruses, I know where she could get Norton Anti-Virus 2009 for only $16.22! Damz, thatz cheep-cheep-cheep!

 

No, this is not actually the cast of the porno Gilligan, but frankly I think the stars they picked to spoof Gilligan are worse.

In other news, there’s going to be a porno spoof of Gilligan’s Island. I understand the idea, but what are they thinking with the casting? Can they not even try?

Reminds me of the The Real Gilligan’s Island, only with nasty fourth-rate porn stars.

You People Are Looking for Kijafa Frink

Michael Vick is apparently going to marry her.

Not Kijafa Frink, but who can deny that Professor Frink is truly the finest Frink around?

 You remember Michael Vick, don’t you? He’s the guy who plays football or something and got busted for fighting with dogs. Apparently, he is crazy. Not sure what that says about Kijafa Frink.

Michael Vick looks like such a sweet guy. I can definitely see what Kijafa Frink sees in him. Uh-huh.

Been a busy day. Going to doctors and strange medical interactions and scary illnesses. Yikes! Word to your mother: don’t take Delsym and any kind of SSRI (that is, a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor) anti-depressant. In fact, if you are taking any kind of anti-depressant, read the labels of cough medicines very carefully. If it warns you about not taking the cough medicine and a MAO inhibitor, that apparently isn’t different from SSRIs. We thought it was. Very bad morning because of it. Just a warning. Dextromethorphan and Citalopram Hydrobromide don’t mix.

Laterz, Internetz.

Alycia Lane Dukes it Out with Larry Mendte After Punching a Cop

 

Alycia Lane. Not Alicia. Just so you know.

Alycia Lane is in the news. Because the reason she was part of a tabloid feeding frenzy is some unscrupulous hacker was reading her email and feeding her private life to the general public. Turns out that unscrupulous hacker was another anchor, Larry Mendte.

If she actually did what Larry Mendte says, and told him she was the rising star and he was 50 years old and on his way out–age-ism, people!–then she wasn’t exactly asking for it, but it was a bone-headed stupid thing to do and it turns out when you are pointlessly cruel to the people you work with, it can come back to haunt you. Who woulda thunk it?

Sure, he shouldn’t have done it, but chickee-poo ain’t exactly an angel. If you recall, back in 2006, she got arrested for punching a cop.

John 17:1 — Jesus Brings His ‘A’ Game to Our Eternal Salvation

John 17:1 is what you are searching for. The passage that God kept telling me to read, amongst other things, that gave me my C.S. Lewis style conversion moment from die-hard atheist to crappy Christian. And by crappy, I mean I am a crappy Christian. I could do a much, much better job.

After Jesus said this, he looked toward heaven and prayed: “Father, the time has come. Glorify your Son, that your Son may glorify you. For you granted him authority over all people that he might give eternal life to all those you have given him. Now this is eternal life: that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do. And now, Father, glorify me in your presence with the glory I had with you before the world began

Jesus Christ. Know Jesus, know peace. No threats, nothing about how your life will suck if you do not know Jesus. That is not how I roll. I am just saying, get to know the Guy.

Don’t forget John 14. Might mean something to you. And, yes, I mean you specifically. You know I’m talking to you.

Laterz, My Fellow Lambs.

Brian Austin Green Is Still Incredibly Bad Ass

And he’s also still together with the incredibly hot Megan Fox. Couldn’t happen to a badder-azz guy.

Full disclosure: I love Brian Austin Green in a completely (well, almost completely) non-sexual way for his massively great turn on The Sarah Connor Chronics and Kyle Reese’s brother, Derek.

Brian Austin Green being amazingly Badd Azzz on The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

You know, it’s hard to believe he went from this:

Hey, yeah, wassup dog? I am here to stop the apocalypse and stuff, you know what I am saying? Word to your mother.

To this:

Brian Austin Green is just awesome on the Sarah Connor chronicles. That is all I am saying.

And I should also mention that Megan Fox, is fiance, is awesome hot.

Megan Fox, future wife-to-be of on Brian Austin Green.

More Megan Fox.

 

Megan Fox, Working the Glasses

A montage of Megan from Transformer, via the YouTubes:

There ya go. More laterz, Internetz.

Palin Pardons a Turkey, All Others Get the Axe

And thank goodness for that. Turkey is good eatin’.

I love how Palin = Scandal! Comments on the video at YouTube, as of this posting, say things like “I bet PETA is knocking on her door right about now.”

Um, PETA didn’t know that turkeys are food? Where do they think turkey sandwiches come from? The sandwich fairy? Well, it may have been impolitic, but I’m betting most of the folks thinking this is some sort of Palin scandal or PR tragedy don’t have any trouble shoveling the product of set “turkey massacre” in their mouth.

I have seen this sort of unspeakable horror before. It America, we call it “a farm”. Sheesh.

Sarah Palin Pardons Turkey but Ignores Veterans. That headline just jumped out at me as “huh?” I thought the guys who did the “Palin didn’t know Africa was a continent” hoax were done. What, you didn’t know all that was bullhockey? Well, more on the Palin hoax here. It even got a little play in The New York Times. Learn something new every day, dontcha? You betcha!

Paliin’s Turkey Photo Op. And Palin’s Turkey Pardon Mishap. Hey, as long as the turkey she pardoned didn’t get butchered, it’s not a mishap. Sarah Palin Interviewed in front of Turkey Murder. Murder! Again, in the real world, we call that “farming” or “food production” or “Thanksgiving”.

You spoiled urbanites should be grateful for the thankless toiling the folks who make your sandwiches and the beef jerkey you scarf while blogging about how stupid they are do.

Man, that was an awkward sentence. I’m sure Tim “I’m-Smarter-Than-You-You-Backwoods-Hick” Hatch, who commented on my Jon Stewart/Sarah Palin post will nail me for that one, if he returns one day.

I should probably re-read The Elements of Style. That’s a good book.

iPhone 2.2 Updates Comes Out On Same Day as Blackberry Storm

Gotta admit, as a loyal iPhone user, the Blackberry Storm does look awfully cool. Certainly better than previous Crackberries I’ve seen.

Here is an iPhone, the best phone ever.

Coincidentally, Apple decided to release it’s iPhone 2.2 Firmware update on the same day the Blackberry Storm comes out.

The Blackberry Storm. It is awfully pretty, and the haptics sound rocking.

The new iPhone 2.2 Firmware brings some new goodies to the table.

Maps application now includes a Google Street View mode, plus you can get walking directions, and more public transit stuff for big cities. You can download podcasts in iTunes, which rocks.

Apple says it has improved the Safari browser, and there ar e number of security updates. Dropped calls will be less, says Apple, and battery life will be longer. And it will synch with iTunes faster.

Still missing? Copy and paste! Jeeze, you so crazy, Steve Jobs. The link about also mentions there’s no tethering in the update as part of a series of features he says may not be coming ever, but tethering is definitely coming to the iPhone, and soon–AT&T just wants to charge you $30 a month more for it.

What should the next iPhone firmware update bring? I dunno what it will bring, but it should bring copy and paste, and a landscape mode for email. Not having either of those things is crazy.

But while looking for a picture of an iPhone for my blog, I ran across a presumably faked picture of Parallels (the Windows-running software for Mac OS X running on an iPhone). Now, wouldn’t that be cool? Forget Windows Mobile, I’ll just run Microsoft Windows XP on my iPhone.

Coincidentally, I just got a chance to play with a Blackberry Storm. The haptics are nice. Overall interface isn’t as slick as the iPhone (and the lack of the pinch interface is constraining if you are use to an iPhone) but it will go into landscape mode in email. Which is great, because the doubled-up keyboard in portrait mode is ugly. Don’t know why they did that.

Ah, well. Back to work. Laterz, Internetz.

Oh, one more thing. To help keep things in perspective.

A Random Hot Chick Who Does Not Care about your iPhone or Blackberry, you loser-geek.

Michael Mukasey Collapses During Speech

Attorney General Michael B. Mukasey collapsed last night while delivering a speech to a prominent legal group.

Michael Muksey fainted, but is all right now.

Apparently, he is recovering at the hospital, and is in reasonably good shape right now. President Bush spoke with him by telephone this morning.

No one word on specifically what happened. Another man in the audience apparently fainted, but a hazardous material tests did not indicate there was any environmental hazards in the area.

In other news, a D’Ippolito Elementary School teacher’s aide used to work in the adult entertainment industry. So parents are complaining. One Louisa C. Tuck used to work in adult films as Crystal Gunns (now, that’s a name, there). The official website has been password protected since the controversy began, but there’s still plenty of images of her around the Internetical Tubes to be had.

Crystal Gunns used to work in the Adult Entertainment Industry. I wonder how they figured it out.

The moral of the story? If you’ve done anything sexy and decide to try and improve your life or change careers, you can’t, because you should forever be punished for whatever you decided to do to make ends meet in your past.

I’m surprised we’re not hearing about how Crystal Gunns collapsed. Because, you know, she does look a little top-heavy.

Want Your Kool-Aid? Open Wide! New Senate is Going to Pour it Down Your Throat, While Sucking Your Wallet Dry

Suddenly, I am feeling very over-heated. Must be that global warming that all the kids are talking about.

Well, at least she’s ready for the new senate global warming bill. Yay.

Boxer said she was not yet ready to reveal details of the legislation but said it would be consistent with Obama’s policy goals.

Uh-huh. Sounds awesome. And by awesome, I mean it sounds like teh suck.

Barbara Boxer can’t wait to take away your rights, your options, and dip her hands deep in the public trough in the name of a cleaner environment, or something. Despite the global recession that may turn into a global depression, hyperbolic doomsaying about the endtimes from environmental alarmists must be responded to with at-any-cost legislation and punitive regulations that punish the middle-class and entreprenuers, who suck anyway.

Just trying to Remind You of the High and Terrible Price for Global Warming. Do you see the effects of the globes being warmed? Do you see?

Another example of the high price of Global Warming:

The Globes are getting hotter, causing tragic revelations of bare female flesh. Not too mention highly-tanned, glistening female skin. Oh, the humanity!

John Aniston Fathered Jennifer Aniston; Internet Geeks, David Crane and Marta Kauffman Eternally Grateful

David Crane and Marta Kauffman are the first folks who pick up their big fat syndication checks for Friends, if you’re interested.

John Aniston made a Jennifer. With the help of Nancy Dow. If you need me to explain how that works, you’re in the wrong place.

Jennifer Aniston, looking all perky.

Jennifer Aniston demonstrates her flexibility. Angelina Jolie must be able to tie herself up like a pretzel, if Brad Pitt dumped Jen for life as Branjelina.

And one more.

Jennifer Aniston Looking Cute. Ah, the Good Work done by John Aniston.

You’re also searching a bit for Gettelfinger. Presumably, Ron Gettelfinger. UAW president who insist the the bailout of the Autoworker’s Union–oops, I mean the Big Three car manufacturers–is really important, because else how will they keep paying those fat union benefits that none of us shlubs working at regular companies and small businesses get, or will ever get?

Not to mention, where will the money for union dues to help fund the political campaigns of anti-small business Democrats come from? Seriously.

Ron Gettelfinger says that because of the outrageous deals the unions demanded and because of the short-sighted management of fat-cat CEOs who agreed to those outrageous deals, the American taxpayer should given them tens- and hundreds-of-billions of dollars.

The moral? The collective bad decisions of union leaders, members, and the automobile companies are your responsibility, and so you will pay through the nose so they can preserve the status quo. Yay, Detroit!

BTW, if you need some activity helpers or aids to daily living, click on the preceding link. You’re welcome. Courtesey DME.

You People are Looking for Eugene Osment, Haley Joe Osment’s Dad

Possibly because he (Haley Joe) just made his broadway debut in American Buffalo. I dunno. Haley Joe Osment does not strike me as the Hunter Thompson type.

Where the Buffalo Roam. Not a David Mamet play.

Oh, hang on. I was thinking of Where The Buffalo Roam. Totally different. American Buffalo is a play by David Mamet, where, surprisingly, there is a heist, and it goes awry, and I’m betting there are some double-crosses and everybody speaks in a rat-a-tat-tat staccato manner.

Anyway, here’s Eugene Osment’s filmography at IMDB.

Emily Osment is also Eugene Osment offspring, and sister to Haley Joel, to boot. I see rich famous people.

Also, you folks are searching for GM Stock. Not too hard to find. Just look in the toilet. Ba-dum-dum!