Jon Gosselin Is Now World’s Biggest Scumbag

I’m not saying it. Per se. But talent bookers, who help keep d-list celebrities employed and making money, are. Check out E! Online’s profanely named Answer Bitch on Jon’s booking problems.

Jon Gosselin Describes Himself with his Shirt.

Which is all too bad. Jon was actually kind of sympathetic when his uber-beeyotch of a wife was needlessly and constantly biting and sniping and trying to crush his soul in service of her high-and-might queendom.

Now, he’s utterly unsympathetic. He’s responded to a nasty insult by getting in his car and running over the insulter’s cat. Then setting their house on fire.

He’s gone from being a kind of nice, if spineless, guy to a ballsy, but still often passive-agressive, creep.

Like when he had some skank he had shagged a few times come watch the kids while he was filming his segment on Jon & Kate. And Kate wanted to come check on the kids, and he wouldn’t let her in, and she called the police–uber-beeyotch at work, yes, but still–and then the police told her she had to go away.

That whole “sharing the house with your former spouse that you went through an ugly divorce with for the sake of a reality television show” is a bad idea, BTW.

This weekend, he got a gig hanging around at the MGM Grand Hotel or something in vegas, and, according to People:

During the two hours he was present, Gosselin, sporting shorts and a collared shirt, was spotted collecting a few phone numbers and mixing drinks for scantily dressed women.

Well, at least it doesn’t look like he’s planning on settling down again. Clearly, getting married is not his gig.

 

Jon and Kate Announcement “Spoiler”: It’s Just Not Working Out

Jon and Kate look to be heading for divorce. They just had to time it good for the ratings, you know.

Here is more on “the end” from National Ledger.

Looks like we’ll get to watch many of the details of the possibly messy divorce from our living room couches.

Jon and Kate after renewing their vows. Which just goes to show, renewing your vows often leads to divorce.

Yay. Sounds fun. Is it just me, or does Jon look like he could use some Decubi-Vite multi-vitamin capsules? He always looks so tired, so apathetic, so beat down with a stick. Oh, wait, maybe it’s because Kate spends so much time beating him down with a stick. Not that Jon’s pathetic, highly unmanly, hyper passive-agressive shtick wins me over.

Kate Gosselin, sans Jon, Shows Off Bikini Body

Yup. You can see the scar, but she sure looks smokin’ hot in that bikini. You go, girl!

Kate Gosselin, hitting the beaches without her soon-to-be-former cuckolded husband, Jon, showed off the free surgery she scammed through her freebie-and-money-grab reality exploitation show, Jon & Kate Plus Eight. She had to be showing it off because she has mentioned numerous time how to the paparazzi descend on her and snap a zillion pictures whever she’s in public. So she was givin’ ’em somethin’ to talk about.

You can see the scar, but MILFy Kate Gosselin still rocks that bikini pretty hard. No wonder she wants a beefy security guard, rather that dumpy, chubby, balding hubby, Jon.

I wonder if she’s been working out. Probably. Hey, paparazzi!

Ah, well. A pleasant tune, entirely unrelated, from Al Phlipp and the Woo Team. And in 3/4 time!

Enjoy a little “Apothegm”, from the Al Phlipp album, Apophenia. If you read the definition, apophenia is a good description for most of the post-2000 Al Phlipp music.

Former MTV VJ Adam Curry Getting Divorced from MILF Dutch Model Patricia Paay

Divorce is in the air. Former VJ and current conspiracy nut Adam Curry is getting divorced from Patricia Paay, who is all hung up on Adam Curry having an affair with model/business women Micky Hoogendijk.

Adam Curry and Patricia Paay. They used to like each other.

Apparently, Adam has traded her in for a new model. Or, wanted to add another model to his collection: Micky Hoogendijk. I wonder why?

What could Adam Curry Possibly See In This Woman?

Serious grabbies from Micky Hoogendijk. Apparently, that’s the sort of thing Adam Curry is into. Can you imagine? Sheesh.

But, Adam Curry is not alone regarding his incipient divorce. Things also look pretty grim in the world of large family reality (re: exploitation) television. Jon and Kate Gosselin aren’t getting along, and look primed to get divorced. They are practically seperated as it is.

Kate Gosselin as The Grim Reaper in a Blue Jean Mini-Skirt. Hey, should looks good, even if she’s mean as a mouth full of nails and as sharp as broken glass.

 Kate is just mean. She’s just nasty mean to her largely neutered husband, Jon Gosselin, and while he’s been dishing it out to her, too, it’s because he one of any number a zillion guys who have been trained that they have to be nice and submissive to the morally superior women of the world, and get surprised when that ends with them getting their heads stomped on and their hearts skewered and barbecued. Then, after being beat down for a few years, they get kinda nasty in return. Who woulda thunk it?

Jon and Kate Used to Get Along, Too. Apparently, Jon Has Some Other Woman.

Apparently, as with Adam Curry, it’s the guy’s fault. Sewing his wild oats, sleeping around. Although in Curry’s case, I doubt his wife every yelled at him and criticized him, and everything he did, the way Kate did Jon.

In Jon’s case, he was apparently carrying on with Deanna Hummel, at least according to Perez Hilton. Who you can trust, because he’s not a backstabbing, hateful ass of a human being.

Jon Gosselin Sleeping Around on Kate with Deanna Hummel. And Kate always seemed so supportive and affectionate.

Maybe Jon could hook up with Patricia Paay and Adam Curry could hook up with Kate Gosselin (he likes the MILFs, and Kate Gosselin, her hard, bitter, evil heart aside, does look very hot). And I think Adam Curry wanted to do a reality show, he sorta lives his life that way.

California Woman Gives Birth to Octuplets; Reality Television Deal Imminent

Seriously, how else can regular people afford to raise 8 kids these days? Especially 8 children all the same age, where none of them are any help until about the time that all of them are?

This woman probably had more than a few kids cooking at the time. But it aint the California woman, just a conveniently located picture on Google Image Search.

Crazy people. That’s all I got to say. And it’s tough enough to get your figure back after 1 kids. After having eight of the little boogers in your stomach for about nine months? Ouch.

For now, they all seem to be in good shape. So, good news.

Two of the eight infants (six boys and two girls) were initially put on ventilators, but their breathing tubes have been removed, the Associated Press reported. The babies weighed between 1.8 pounds and 3.4 pounds when they were born with the help of 46 doctors, nurses and assistants.

The unidentified mother checked into the hospital seven weeks ago, when she was in her 23rd week of pregnancy. Hospital officials wouldn’t reveal whether she’d used fertility drugs.

You Internets Is So Crazy, Seriously

Suddenly a big deal? Amber Hagerman. She of the Amber Alert. Man, that is a tragic story. But why the sudden interest? Could it have something to do with Kelsey Peterson? You know, the teacher who recently “ran away” with her 13 year old lover? 

Seriously, where were these chicks when I was growing up? I knew guys who fantasized about it, but it never happened. Why are these teacher chicks so crazy now? I blame the Internets. All sorts of stuff has gone crazy since the Internets.

Speaking of the fantasies, all-of-the-sudden-like all of you are interested in Sarah Shahi. Can’t say that I’m blaming you.

 

You guys are all interested in the Sarah Shahi tonight? Yes, she is quite lovely.

---

You weirdos really want to know about the Vril Society. Why? Doesn’t look like you ever cared about it before. Somehow, I’m sure there’s some sort of leftist kook conspiracy crap at the bottom of this one. I’m sure I’ll be delighted to learn the awful truth of it.

But on the Inter-Tubes tonight is . . . uh, ArginMax. Well, you cheeky little devils. Wanting to boost the girlfriend or wife’s sex drive, presumably by hiding some ArginMax in that killer Kung Pao you’re fixing her up. Well, best of luck with that. Unless the woman is already a bit randy, she’s not likely to be taking that stuff voluntarily–she don’t miss her sex drive, you do, you horny bastard. You selfish horny bastard. Best of luck hiding it in her food, like a fellow trying to feed a heartworm pill to a stubborn pooch. Yeah, I know what you’re up to, you crazy Internets. I know you cold.

Sarah Shahi is not interested in eating your brownies you made her special. Trust me.

In addition to trying a slip a little Spanish Fly to your womenfolk, you people are all a tizzy over John Harbaugh.

Seriously, what is up with you Internets peoples and the football? I’m lost. That’s what I mean when I’m saying you’re crazy. It just ain’t that interesting. Is it? I’m reading about the Harbaugh now, who I had never heard of, and I’m getting sleepy. 

You are also all crazy like over The Gilliand Ranch, because it’s about UFOs and stuff. That’s my Art Bell, Coast-to-Coast AM late night freakies I’m expecting from the Internets this time of night.

Youse guys is also very interesting in mark-to-market accounting. Look, it ain’t that complicated. It means companies have to say something is worth what is actually worth that day instead of what it might be worth at some point down the road. There are good reasons for this, many stemming from the Enron scandal (thanks to Sarbanes-Oxley, the problem is mark-to-market is making accurate valuations of certain financial instruments very tough, thus contributing the current financial crisis . . . you know, maybe it is more complicated than I was thinking. Look it up on the Wikipedia. They know everything there!

Also look up commercial paper there, in case you were wondering about that.

Here’s Sarah Shahi again:

Yes, this was necessary. Very, very necessary. Not gratuitous at all. How else will you understand the true Sarah Shahi?

You’re interested in Life TV right now? And why? No, don’t tell me, you never make sense anyway.

 

Heather Locklear: 47 Years Old, on Drugs, Arrested, No Makeup, Been Crying and . . . Still Looks Way Better Than You

 

Speaking of TV, no love on the Internets for Heather Locklear and her mugshot? Are you just jealous that she’s 47, high, been out partying all night, just got busted, is getting her mugshot made by the friendly LA police people, and she looks better than you do after spending a day at the salon? Yeah, well, sorry, but she does. And that’s just the ugly truth of it, Internets.

But you do like 17 Kids and Counting. Good for you. I prefer Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

More in five minutes. Be more patient, Internets.