Posts Tagged 'wikipedia'

Terror Attacks In Mumbai, India Result in Predictably Massive Searching

It’s all about the terror attacks in India this morning–that and Tom Colicchio being some kind of gay “bear” icon (which I think is all about really hairy guys doing it with each other–ewww!) and that toolbag that got lost in space, but mostly it’s about terrorist attacks in Mumbai.

Terrorist attacks in Mumbai, India.

Terrorist attacks in Mumbai, India.

Not to be flip or glib (like I would do that), but I though Barack Obama was going to unite the world, lower the sea levels, and bring peace to all peoples. Whassup with that?

You are searching a lot for the latest hero to die in the war against terrorism, Hemant Karkare. Also Vijay Salaskar and the bad guys taking credit for these attacks, the Deccan Mujahideen. Go to the Wikipedia entry of the Deccan Mujahideen and refresh to watch it get updated constantly as the story is in the news.

Joe Jonas Marries Camilla Belle, Begins Plot for World Domination

Nah, it’s just rumored they’re dating. And man, does she have the Brooke Shield’s eyebrows going on or what?

Camilla Belle Loves Joe Jonas Long Time. All Teenage Girls on Entire Planet Mourn.

Camilla Belle Loves Joe Jonas Long Time. All Teenage Girls on Entire Planet Mourn.

Seriously. Compare the eyebrows.

Brooke Shields had the Eyebrows. Remind you of Camilla Belle? It Does Me.

Brooke Shields had the Eyebrows. Remind you of Camilla Belle? It Does Me.

Camilla Belle’s Wikipedia entry. Already on top of the rumors. Gotta love the Wikipedia. And, to be fair, Brooke Shields on the Wikipedia.

Cannot Say I Blame Joe Jonas. If I was a World Renowned Young and Famous Rockstar, I Would Certainly Tap That.

Cannot Say I Blame Joe Jonas. If I was a World Renowned Young and Famous Rockstar, I Would Certainly Tap That.

Oh, yeah, here’s Joe Jonas. He does music or something.

Joe Jonas. Apparently he sings or delivers groceries or something.

Joe Jonas. Apparently he sings or delivers groceries or something.

You know, Joe Jonas has quite the bushy pair of eyebrows, too. Maybe that’s why he and Camilla hooked up. Eyebrow symmetry.

Speaking of classic eyebrows, we must always pay our respects to Madonna, the Queen of Sexy, Bushy Eighties Eyebrows:

Madges Eyebrows Plan Their Conquest of the Known World. Seriously, Did The Material Girl have some Material Eyebrows, or What?

Madges Eyebrows Plan Their Conquest of the Known World. Seriously, Did The Material Girl have some Material Eyebrows, or What?

You Internets Is So Crazy, Seriously

Suddenly a big deal? Amber Hagerman. She of the Amber Alert. Man, that is a tragic story. But why the sudden interest? Could it have something to do with Kelsey Peterson? You know, the teacher who recently “ran away” with her 13 year old lover? 

Seriously, where were these chicks when I was growing up? I knew guys who fantasized about it, but it never happened. Why are these teacher chicks so crazy now? I blame the Internets. All sorts of stuff has gone crazy since the Internets.

Speaking of the fantasies, all-of-the-sudden-like all of you are interested in Sarah Shahi. Can’t say that I’m blaming you.

 

You guys are all interested in the Sarah Shahi tonight? Yes, she is quite lovely. Quite lovely.

You guys are all interested in the Sarah Shahi tonight? Yes, she is quite lovely.


You weirdos really want to know about the Vril Society. Why? Doesn’t look like you ever cared about it before. Somehow, I’m sure there’s some sort of leftist kook conspiracy crap at the bottom of this one. I’m sure I’ll be delighted to learn the awful truth of it.

But on the Inter-Tubes tonight is . . . uh, ArginMax. Well, you cheeky little devils. Wanting to boost the girlfriend or wife’s sex drive, presumably by hiding some ArginMax in that killer Kung Pao you’re fixing her up. Well, best of luck with that. Unless the woman is already a bit randy, she’s not likely to be taking that stuff voluntarily–she don’t miss her sex drive, you do, you horny bastard. You selfish horny bastard. Best of luck hiding it in her food, like a fellow trying to feed a heartworm pill to a stubborn pooch. Yeah, I know what you’re up to, you crazy Internets. I know you cold.

Sarah Shahi is not interested in eating your brownies you made her special. Trust me.

In addition to trying a slip a little Spanish Fly to your womenfolk, you people are all a tizzy over John Harbaugh.

Seriously, what is up with you Internets peoples and the football? I’m lost. That’s what I mean when I’m saying you’re crazy. It just ain’t that interesting. Is it? I’m reading about the Harbaugh now, who I had never heard of, and I’m getting sleepy. 

You are also all crazy like over The Gilliand Ranch, because it’s about UFOs and stuff. That’s my Art Bell, Coast-to-Coast AM late night freakies I’m expecting from the Internets this time of night.

Youse guys is also very interesting in mark-to-market accounting. Look, it ain’t that complicated. It means companies have to say something is worth what is actually worth that day instead of what it might be worth at some point down the road. There are good reasons for this, many stemming from the Enron scandal (thanks to Sarbanes-Oxley, the problem is mark-to-market is making accurate valuations of certain financial instruments very tough, thus contributing the current financial crisis . . . you know, maybe it is more complicated than I was thinking. Look it up on the Wikipedia. They know everything there!

Also look up commercial paper there, in case you were wondering about that.

Here’s Sarah Shahi again:

Yes, this was necessary. Very, very necessary. No, Im not the one doing all the Internet Searchings for Shahi tonight. But I understand why its happening. I understand very well.

Yes, this was necessary. Very, very necessary. Not gratuitous at all. How else will you understand the true Sarah Shahi?

You’re interested in Life TV right now? And why? No, don’t tell me, you never make sense anyway.

 

47 Years Old, on Drugs, Arrested, No Makeup, Been Crying and . . . Still Looks Way Better Than You

Heather Locklear: 47 Years Old, on Drugs, Arrested, No Makeup, Been Crying and . . . Still Looks Way Better Than You

 

Speaking of TV, no love on the Internets for Heather Locklear and her mugshot? Are you just jealous that she’s 47, high, been out partying all night, just got busted, is getting her mugshot made by the friendly LA police people, and she looks better than you do after spending a day at the salon? Yeah, well, sorry, but she does. And that’s just the ugly truth of it, Internets.

But you do like 17 Kids and Counting. Good for you. I prefer Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

More in five minutes. Be more patient, Internets.


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