Martti Ahtisaari is Up for The Nobel Peace Prize. At Least It’s Not Frappin’ Al Gore or Jiminy Cricket Carter

 

Rachael Yamagata Wants a Year's Supply of Cigarettes for Christmas.

Boy, that seems politically incorrect for someone in the entertainment industry. A years supply of cigarettes? She also has a new album out and is on tour. I’ll pass, thanks.

BTW, Internets: you’re searching for “rachel yamagata”, and The Google is smart enough to know what you mean (God Bless The Google!). But it’s “Rachael”.

BTW, that Google link up there is direct to Google’s blast-from-the-past commemorative search page that lets you search Googles search index from 2001. Wow, was it only 7 years ago? It seems like 70. The weird logo, no “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. Wow.

 

Martti Ahtisaari: I'm Sorry My Name Is So Fonked Up To Type

Apparently, Martti Ahtisaari (sorry, but that’s just an effed-up name to type) won the Nobel Hate America–oops, I mean, Nobel Peace Price. Martti Ahtisaari’s Wikipedia entry is here. Apparently he supported the Iraq War? Maybe the Nobel comittee didn’t notice. Important thing is, he was president of Finland. So we can assume that, deep in his heart, he hated America, and thus was worthy of the Nobel Peacefully Hating America Price.

Paul Newman, Sarah Palin and Internet Memes Over the Long Term

Just recently, you crazy Internets have been doing some funky Sarah Palin love. And who can blame you?

Sarah Palin. Mayor of MILF. Governor of my heart.

I didn’t come up with the term “VPILF”, but, ya know, I understand why somebody out there did. Yeah, I’ve seen the Photoshizzled Palin bikini pic and the hot sexy skirt pic and the hottest governor pic . . . but, ya know what? The real, un-retouched Alaskan Moose-hunting uber-babe is the best.

But, that’s over the past 90 days, according the what The Dubya calls “The Google”. Biggest search terms besides Olympics and Sarah Palin? Hi5. It’s a social network? Another one? Damn. Look, don’t you Internets talk to each other enough? Just stop it with the socialite networkings. Just stop it. I’m serious.

Okay, but that’s not the point. The point was the other big searches, after Hi5, Sarah Palin and Olympics. What are you searching for? Facebook! You don’t know where Facebook is? MSNBC, maybe I can see, even though that doesn’t seem that complicated. You really don’t know where CNN is? What’s up with that? ESPN? You searching for that a lot. Craigslist? You put in the search for the Craigslist? What’s wrong with you, is the address bar broken or something? 

BTW, I hate Craigs List. Why you Internets love it so, like you want to kiss it and make love to it and have its babies, I do not know. You peoples have the issues.

Top searches? Myspace! Yahoo! YouTube! Good green golly, you people actually search for Google on Google! In the last 90 days, that’s the 4th most popular Google search! For the word “Google”. Either you Internets is so very stupid, or so very meta that you go beyond me. Far, far beyond me, into meta-meta-meta land. Bye-bye.

You search for eBay and MapQuest? You don’t know where those are? 

At least over the last few days, you narcissistic Internetters gave Paul Newman some love. Paul, you will be missed.

Paul will be missed. Look at him, he's so bad-ass. All the truly bad ass alpha male movie stars are gone. It's kinda sad, really. Cry for me, Internets. Cry for me now.

Go back to the top now. Isn’t that picture of Sarah Palin gorgeous. Maybe I have a man-crush on Paul Newman (if I am, in fact, what you humans call “a man”), but my heart belongs to Sarah. Alas, I must pine away in semi-anonymity. Now, I cry for me Internets. It is I that am now crying.

Internets, you’ve also been more interested in Fox News these days. I wonder why. Still, the main thing you search for, all the time, is Yahoo!, MySpace, YouTube and Google. Why are you searching for Google on The Google? Stop that.

You’ve also been interested in Orkut. That’s the difference between you and me, Internets. I’m not interested in Orkut. Never have been. Never will be. And you can’t make me.

Apparently you Internets are all interested in Ziggs right now. I have a hard time thinking that’s really true. I think you’re being played, Internets. I think you are being played. Just telling it like it is. I wouldn’t be your friend like I am, truly, if I didn’t.

Well, good night. I gotta go to bed. For real this time. But before I do . . . 

 

I'm in love. Sweet, sweet Sarah. If only you weren't married, and I wasn't married, and I wasn't a mysterious blogger who cannot reveal his or her true identity without fear of reprisals from the Illuminati. Or the Vril Society. I hear that's all the rage on the Internets these days.

 

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. From near to far, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.