Archive for June, 2009

The Apocalypse is Nigh: Al Franken Wins, Billy Mays is Dead

Al Franken is crazy, but maybe not any more crazy than the folks already in D.C. Anyway, he’s been declared the winner, Norm Coleman is sent packing, and another crazy Marxist is sent to Washington. Yay.

Al Franken: Another Crazy Marxist in the Senate. Awesome!
Al Franken: Another Crazy Marxist in the Senate. Awesome!

Did Al Franken steal the election? No, he’s a Kind of a Big Deal Around Here. He had other people steal it for him.

In other news, if you’ve been living under a rock and accidentally found your way to this blog, you might be surprised to learn that Billy Mays is dead. Like Michael Jackson (whose fans may kill themselves, so Jesse Jackson is urging them not to kill themselves yet), he was only 50. Some force of fate apparently has it in for 50 years olds right now. I’m glad I’m not 50 yet.

Billy Mays Had the Stuff To Clean My Carpet. For Only $19.99!
Billy Mays Had the Stuff To Clean My Carpet. For Only $19.99!

Sad. Billy Mays rocked.

Michael Jackson did Thriller. A Great, Great Album.
Michael Jackson did Thriller. A Great, Great Album.

Thriller was one of the greatest pop albums of all time. Defined a frickin’ generation. R.I.P., Michael. You were a little weird, but you were a talented guy.

Was he crazy? Yeah, I guess so. But he rocked. And, unlike almost-as-insane-if-not-as-insane Al Franken, we never elected Michael to public office. Shamon!

Bernadette Peters Joins Regis on Live With Regis and Whoever

Bernadette Peters is joing Regis as co-host of Regis and Not Kathy Lee.

Bernadette Peters. Perpetually Gorgeous.
Bernadette Peters. Perpetually Gorgeous.

I’ve always had a thing for Bernadette Peters. It started with this particular scene from The Jerk:

 

And one more picture of Bernadette:

Bernadette Peters, Lounging Seductively.

Bernadette Peters, Lounging Seductively.

She looks like she’s about ready to use a Point Relief Mini-Massager. Too bad we don’t get to see that action.

Neda Agha Sultan Shot Dead. Axis of Evil? Nah, Just a Misunderstanding.

There’s a video of Neda Agha Sultan being shot dead. I’m not posting the video, just follow the link if you want to see it. It’s fairly graphic.

Man, thank goodness Obama gave the speech in Cairo. By his own testimony–before they people started protesting and getting shot–he’s already fixed everything.

Thank goodness we won’t hold this murder of protestors against Iran or the Mullahs. Cuz, you know, we’re a kinder, more compassionate, more understanding nation. Of oppressive dictators and brutal totalitarian thugs. And radical Muslim Theocracies. Yay, Obama!

Fortunately, I have to struggle to keep my house, pay my raising taxes, and fight to keep my job in the constricting economy that Obama is “fixing”. So I’ll be distracted from our government’s tacit endorsement of the murder of political dissidents and brave people standing up against the violence and oppression of real totalitarian regimes.

Which we do not have in this country, BTW. We didn’t under Bush, and don’t under Obama. What’s new with Obama is our endorsement of brutal dictators–and the murder of their citizens, if they become inconvenient–as official  foreign policy.

Perez Hilton Assaulted for Being a Total Ass and Gratuitously Nasty

And a self-serving shiznickle.  Read about the assault here.

A video of the confrontation can be found on TMZ.

Perez Hilton, With a Black Eye, Which He Gets Often, Because He's a Total Priznickle To Peoplez.
Perez Hilton, With a Black Eye, Which He Gets Often, Because He’s a Total Priznickle To Peoplez.

I don’t want to say he deserved it, because I don’t, but he almost certainly did deserve it, because he’s an incredibly pompous, self-righteous azz.

 

The John and Kate Divorce is Official. Like There Was Any Doubt.

They’ve decided to separate. But what they’ve done is file for divorce. And Jon is thinking about moving to New York. Good golly.

Jon and Kate Get To Experience Divorce with Eight Kids In the Full View of the American Public. Not Gonna Be Fun For Either of Them.

Jon and Kate Get To Experience Divorce with Eight Kids In the Full View of the American Public. Not Gonna Be Fun For Either of Them.

Far be it for a peon like me to offer advice or wisdom to a passive-aggressive man-child and his hateful, ice-queen shrew of a soon-to-be-former wife,  but good golly. They still have to split time at the house with the kids. “For the kids”, of course, but also for the show and their source of income and, for Kate, apparently her reason for existence.

A few kids tie divorcees together intractably if they have any responsiblity for their children–if they have any soul at all. And I think Jon and Kate both do. Eight kids are really going to tie you together. Deciding the kids will always stay at the house and the two of you will just split house time . . . oh, man. They sound so jaded and cynical, but their plans just seem incredibly niave. To me, anyway. But, it may make for good television.

Anyhoo, eight kids plus a life lived on reality television and in the tabloids is going to tie you together even closer, and make whatever “freedom” a certain passive-agressive man-boy thinks he’s getting by breaking free of the poison-tongued ball and chain largely illusory.

Essentially–I think I said that before–they are both going to get all the problems and difficulties and acrimony of divorce without any of the benefits.

On the other hand, I think Kate (and you women married to passive-agressive, “yes, dear” man-boys that you are prone to “correct” and “improve” and “help” with “constructive criticism” all the time) could draw a lesson from this experience. Those men may seem to “just take it”, but eventually that 10 year trickle of black bile that came from you “just being constructive” will end up coming up all at once and all the time, and he’s either going to break it off with no chance of reconciliation (probably cuz he already has himself a much sweeter sweetie) or will become so nasty, so often, you’ll want to break it off. Just keep it in mind, is all I’m saying.

Oh, and Jon? Lose the earrings. You look pathetically like a pathetic little man-boy going through a mid-life crisis and it’s just sad and stereotypically cliche. Plus, you’re already insanely spoiled and whiny and wimpy and niave . . . so, lose the earrings. Seriously. It’s just highlights what a self-serving, self-pitying dork you are.

Which doesn’t let Kate off the hook for being such a mega-bitch. Just saying.

Ed McMahon, A True Original, Dead at 86

Ed McMahon, who was a true original, and will always be one of the greats of the golden age of television, has passed away at the ripe old age of 86. He had a pretty good life, especially all those years sitting next to Johnny Carson and, more often than not, making Johnny laugh longer and harder than any other human being ever could. And we laughed with him. Or, I did, at least.

Ed McMahon was One of the Television Greats.
Ed McMahon was One of the Television Greats.

And nothing against Jay Leno, but since the days of the pairing of Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon passed, there’s been nothing like it on late night. They were both one-of-a-kinds, and never will we see their like again.

More on Ed McMahon’s long and prolific career from Wikipedia.

Jon and Kate Announcement “Spoiler”: It’s Just Not Working Out

Jon and Kate look to be heading for divorce. They just had to time it good for the ratings, you know.

Here is more on “the end” from National Ledger.

Looks like we’ll get to watch many of the details of the possibly messy divorce from our living room couches.

Jon and Kate after renewing their vows. Which just goes to show, renewing your vows often leads to divorce.
Jon and Kate after renewing their vows. Which just goes to show, renewing your vows often leads to divorce.

Yay. Sounds fun. Is it just me, or does Jon look like he could use some Decubi-Vite multi-vitamin capsules? He always looks so tired, so apathetic, so beat down with a stick. Oh, wait, maybe it’s because Kate spends so much time beating him down with a stick. Not that Jon’s pathetic, highly unmanly, hyper passive-agressive shtick wins me over.


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