Mandy Blank, Lynndie England, Amy Cohen (Old Maid) And You’re Still Looking for the Naked Sarah Palin Painting

Wassup, my homefries? Well, lemme lay it down for ya.

You’re suddenly interested in Lynndie England again. I can guess why.

You’re also lookin’ all around for Mandy Blank. I definitely know what’s up there. Update: Apparently Mandy is why you keep Searching for Glutes Magazine, too. You nasty Internets, you.

Mandy Blank. She’s buff, ain’t she? No Sarah Palin, tho.

 You’re also still looking for that nude Sarah Palin painting. You nasty Internets, you. And it’s an ugly painting, too.

Is this the Amy Cohen you pipples are looking for? Mostly crusty old maids doing this search, I’m guessing.

This is Amy Cohen. She’s an old maid, and says that’s just how she likes it.

Is it just me, or does she look like Lisa Kudrow’s less attractive older sister?

Yeah, Lisa Kudrow’s a whole lot cuter. Sorta the same mouth, tho.

You’re also all about Tony Mandarich. Cuz he did steroids. But, of course, it’s football again. What’s it with you Internets and footballs? Yawning. Lots.

Here’s Tony. Yeah, he did steroids. Shock!

Interesting Things You Peoples are Looking For This Fine Afternoon

Like Kevin Farley. Good for you. No doubt you are thinking about An American Carol by the fabulously funny David Zucker, he of Airplane, Top Secret and The Naked Gun fame.

You looking for Little Diomede? In Alaska? Still trying to harass Palin? Get over it, haters.

In other news, Ziggs is mega-searching Google to jack themselves up as being this super searched term. Even though they aren’t. Except by them. No other way both the phrases “find out who is googling you” and “find out who is googling me” and “ziggs” and “ziggs.com” are all getting to the top. Flump you, Ziggs. You always were an asshole.

The real yous out there seem actually interested in The Lollipop Building. I’m guessing you’re finding out it’s not something perverted and sexual, like you hoped.

You Nasty Internets! Nude Sarah Palin Paintings? Puh-leeese.

Right now, everybody is looking for Tara Grinstead. Maybe this was why the poor Amber alert girl was a meme yesterday. Though Tara is apparently a lot older. Also, she’s been missing since 2005. That’s usually not a good sign, but I hope they find her.

This is Tara:

Tara Grinstead is missing. Apparently, she’s a popular meme today. Maybe that means they’ve found something out. Hope it’s good news, but I don’t know yet.

 

 

 Why are you so interested in Windsteam Email? Must’ve been a news story I missed. I do that a lot, apparently.

I’m not showing the badly painted nude portrait of Sarah Palin at the Old Towne Ale House in Chicago. An Obama supporter painted it . . . and had his daughter pose nude for the really bad painting. Ewww. Just, ewww. You Internets, why are you so interested in that?

UPDATE: Much Better Picture of a Nude Sarah Palin Here. Definitely NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

Like Dan Rather might say: Fake, but accurate.

The rest is all sports peoples and things like the mark to market definition. Haven’t you figured that out yet?

 

Burning Down The House: Them Crazy Democratics!

Oh, no they din’t!

Oh, yez they dids!

Watch it and weeps, Internets. Watch it and weeps as you learn the terrible, terrible, terrible truth, while you’re searching for bailout and house roll call and whatnots, learn what really actually happened. And how the magical politics of DC screws us all. Again and again.

Be afraid, Internets. Be very afraid.

Deborah Stern does the GI Bill Wave with Paul Perrault

Or, at least you’d think that was the case, based on you Internets. This is Deborah Stern. This is Paul Perrault. What do they have in common, other than being big fans of Nudist Colony of the Dead?

Lino Donato? This is interesting? Okay, if you say so. I think you’re smoking the crack pipe.

You seem to be all excited out there about Alonzo Mourning. At least it’s not football, this time. The basketball makes a little more sense. He has a sad name.

What’s up with the GI Bill Wave Searches? Lots of soldiers coming back from Iraq looking to go to college, or what?

You’re all happy about Lisa Guerrero, I guess. Did she say something interesting I missed? Or is it because she 44 and still plenty hot?

She’s no Sarah Palin, but she’s all right.

This has nothing to do with nothing, but you should hear it anyway:

Mike Bocchetti? BP Capital? XM Radio Online? R U Siruis?

 

R U Sirius? See? That’s a pun. Proves I’m funny. But, Mike Bocchetti? I got no idea who he is right now, Internets, but what am I guessing it has something to do with stupid football again?

No, not footballs. Mike Bocchetti is a comedian who was on Howard Stern. You are all listening to Howard Stern and then Googling Mike Bocchetti? You people are so weird. 

I’m guessing XM Radio Online is also about Howard Stern? I guess I should be glad you peoples are off the Nancy-frumpin-Pelosi. But Howard Stern? Bah.

You folks looking for BP Capital must be planning on getting out. That’s taking a nose dive. And you think the Wind Power Driven Clean Energy Brain of T. Boone Pickens is all that. I guess you had better think again.

Wind Power. Yeah, baby. Love me some Thomas Dolby. Don’t try and guess my age from that. You don’t know. Don’t judge me.

I’m glad to see you Internet foolz trying to smarten your brains up. You’ve been studying up on The Smoot Hawley Tariff Act. Look at you, trying to learn things. But don’t try to blame all this that’s going on now on poor Herbert Hoover. He’s always gotten a bad rap.

Why the sudden interesting in Heidi Strobel? Was she on TV last night or something? Or . . . just in your dreams?

Yeah, She’s Cute. But Will She look as good as Heather Locklear when she’s 47, high on drugs, and recently arrested? I don’t think so.

Britney Spears Sex Tape is back in the top 20! Just when I think you Internets are getting all political and boring on me, you restore my faith in the humanity. And just so you know: To Serve Man? It’s a cookbook.

Oh, now I get it. There’s some news on the memetic pipes about a certain Adnad Ghalib, some Arab-Muslim sounding Barack Obama supporter who videotaped himself doing the nasty with Britney Spears.

The video ain’t out there yet. He wants to sell it, to make him some moolah. So stop looking, peoples. Unless you gots a cool half-mil to buy it, might as well go back to looking for Nancy-frumpin-Pelosi.

The Googles says you all want to know about Janet Jackson Being Hospitalized. It’s true. No, it was not a wardrobe malfunction. She had a funk attack, and the doctors say she’s suffered a potentially fatal reduction in soulfulness. Her supervising physician, Dr. Dre, said Janet would recover completely, but was corrected by a representative for the singer who stated that he would have to refer to her as “Ms. Jackson, if you’re nasty”. Get well soon, Janet. We peoples on the Internets miss you much. We really miss you much.

You’re looking for a Black Betty Baseball Bat? How many of you are really looking for that? I’m not even going to try and find a link, that’s just silly. What are all you Internets up to out there?

The definition of LIBOR is “London Inter-Bank Offer Rate”. Hope that helps you get smarter about the economics, but if you keep electing Republicrats I don’t think you’re actually any smarter. Vote Whig in 2008, and show Washington Who’s The Boss!

And why are you looking for stinkhorn mushrooms? I don’t trust that. I think you’re being gross.

All right. You aren’t looking for her right now, but you know what? You should. She’s, like, fifty-something years old and still super cute. Who am I talking about? Karen Allen. Babe for all eternity. She also sells really expensive scarves.

Is Karen Allen Permanently Babe-a-Liscious or What? What was Indiana Jones thinking, foolin' around with Kate Capshaw?

 More soon, you crazy, fickle internets, you!

It’s Morning (of Doom!) In America. We’re Talking HR 7175 Here. And the Vril Society. Oooo, Scary, Internets

What, nobody cares about hot chicks on the Inter-Tubes in the morning? But you’re still all into the Vril Society?

Okay, weirdos. Whatever. 

Your priorities are all mess up. Just saying.

The Pelosi speech I guess I can see why you all keep looking for it. Even The Guardian over there in Old Britania is more busy writing about that the Princess Charles latest hairstyle. 

But HR 3997? Isn’t that awfully wonky, political-geeky for you? And look at you! Also big into HR 7175. What the heck is that? On Motion to Suspend the Rules and PassSmall Business Financing Improvements Act of 2008, that’s what The Google is telling me. That doesn’t sound promising. Apparently, I can find out how the people voted, but not what it all means. And I guess that’s why you’re looking for it, too. Well, sorry, Internets, but we’re on the same boat this time.

Go look for it on THOMAS. Maybe it will get there. If the government isn’t trying to hide something.

You are all still on about the Terrell Owens controversy, whatever it is. Why do you people care so much about the football? You’re suppose to care about computer geekery and women who dress like elves and superhero chicks. In fact, here’s seventeen girls dressed up like Supergirl. That’s what you Internets are supposed to be looking at, not HR 666 and Terrell “The Boring Football Guy” Owens or Nancy “The Blabber” Pelosi speeches. Jeeze, you people.

Is She Not Like the Hottest Supergirl Ever. I Love Her. This is What You Internets Ought To Be All About This Morning. Not Nancy-frumpin-Pelosi. Sheesh.

Other stuff you’re all about this morning? Bailout Vote! Bailout Fail! Bailout Bill! The economy is crashing. What you gonna do? Nothing. Look at the Supergirl up there. That’s all you got, Internets. That’s all you got now.

Paul Newman, Sarah Palin and Internet Memes Over the Long Term

Just recently, you crazy Internets have been doing some funky Sarah Palin love. And who can blame you?

Sarah Palin. Mayor of MILF. Governor of my heart.

I didn’t come up with the term “VPILF”, but, ya know, I understand why somebody out there did. Yeah, I’ve seen the Photoshizzled Palin bikini pic and the hot sexy skirt pic and the hottest governor pic . . . but, ya know what? The real, un-retouched Alaskan Moose-hunting uber-babe is the best.

But, that’s over the past 90 days, according the what The Dubya calls “The Google”. Biggest search terms besides Olympics and Sarah Palin? Hi5. It’s a social network? Another one? Damn. Look, don’t you Internets talk to each other enough? Just stop it with the socialite networkings. Just stop it. I’m serious.

Okay, but that’s not the point. The point was the other big searches, after Hi5, Sarah Palin and Olympics. What are you searching for? Facebook! You don’t know where Facebook is? MSNBC, maybe I can see, even though that doesn’t seem that complicated. You really don’t know where CNN is? What’s up with that? ESPN? You searching for that a lot. Craigslist? You put in the search for the Craigslist? What’s wrong with you, is the address bar broken or something? 

BTW, I hate Craigs List. Why you Internets love it so, like you want to kiss it and make love to it and have its babies, I do not know. You peoples have the issues.

Top searches? Myspace! Yahoo! YouTube! Good green golly, you people actually search for Google on Google! In the last 90 days, that’s the 4th most popular Google search! For the word “Google”. Either you Internets is so very stupid, or so very meta that you go beyond me. Far, far beyond me, into meta-meta-meta land. Bye-bye.

You search for eBay and MapQuest? You don’t know where those are? 

At least over the last few days, you narcissistic Internetters gave Paul Newman some love. Paul, you will be missed.

Paul will be missed. Look at him, he's so bad-ass. All the truly bad ass alpha male movie stars are gone. It's kinda sad, really. Cry for me, Internets. Cry for me now.

Go back to the top now. Isn’t that picture of Sarah Palin gorgeous. Maybe I have a man-crush on Paul Newman (if I am, in fact, what you humans call “a man”), but my heart belongs to Sarah. Alas, I must pine away in semi-anonymity. Now, I cry for me Internets. It is I that am now crying.

Internets, you’ve also been more interested in Fox News these days. I wonder why. Still, the main thing you search for, all the time, is Yahoo!, MySpace, YouTube and Google. Why are you searching for Google on The Google? Stop that.

You’ve also been interested in Orkut. That’s the difference between you and me, Internets. I’m not interested in Orkut. Never have been. Never will be. And you can’t make me.

Apparently you Internets are all interested in Ziggs right now. I have a hard time thinking that’s really true. I think you’re being played, Internets. I think you are being played. Just telling it like it is. I wouldn’t be your friend like I am, truly, if I didn’t.

Well, good night. I gotta go to bed. For real this time. But before I do . . . 

 

I'm in love. Sweet, sweet Sarah. If only you weren't married, and I wasn't married, and I wasn't a mysterious blogger who cannot reveal his or her true identity without fear of reprisals from the Illuminati. Or the Vril Society. I hear that's all the rage on the Internets these days.

 

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. From near to far, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.

You Internets Is So Crazy, Seriously

Suddenly a big deal? Amber Hagerman. She of the Amber Alert. Man, that is a tragic story. But why the sudden interest? Could it have something to do with Kelsey Peterson? You know, the teacher who recently “ran away” with her 13 year old lover? 

Seriously, where were these chicks when I was growing up? I knew guys who fantasized about it, but it never happened. Why are these teacher chicks so crazy now? I blame the Internets. All sorts of stuff has gone crazy since the Internets.

Speaking of the fantasies, all-of-the-sudden-like all of you are interested in Sarah Shahi. Can’t say that I’m blaming you.

 

You guys are all interested in the Sarah Shahi tonight? Yes, she is quite lovely.

---

You weirdos really want to know about the Vril Society. Why? Doesn’t look like you ever cared about it before. Somehow, I’m sure there’s some sort of leftist kook conspiracy crap at the bottom of this one. I’m sure I’ll be delighted to learn the awful truth of it.

But on the Inter-Tubes tonight is . . . uh, ArginMax. Well, you cheeky little devils. Wanting to boost the girlfriend or wife’s sex drive, presumably by hiding some ArginMax in that killer Kung Pao you’re fixing her up. Well, best of luck with that. Unless the woman is already a bit randy, she’s not likely to be taking that stuff voluntarily–she don’t miss her sex drive, you do, you horny bastard. You selfish horny bastard. Best of luck hiding it in her food, like a fellow trying to feed a heartworm pill to a stubborn pooch. Yeah, I know what you’re up to, you crazy Internets. I know you cold.

Sarah Shahi is not interested in eating your brownies you made her special. Trust me.

In addition to trying a slip a little Spanish Fly to your womenfolk, you people are all a tizzy over John Harbaugh.

Seriously, what is up with you Internets peoples and the football? I’m lost. That’s what I mean when I’m saying you’re crazy. It just ain’t that interesting. Is it? I’m reading about the Harbaugh now, who I had never heard of, and I’m getting sleepy. 

You are also all crazy like over The Gilliand Ranch, because it’s about UFOs and stuff. That’s my Art Bell, Coast-to-Coast AM late night freakies I’m expecting from the Internets this time of night.

Youse guys is also very interesting in mark-to-market accounting. Look, it ain’t that complicated. It means companies have to say something is worth what is actually worth that day instead of what it might be worth at some point down the road. There are good reasons for this, many stemming from the Enron scandal (thanks to Sarbanes-Oxley, the problem is mark-to-market is making accurate valuations of certain financial instruments very tough, thus contributing the current financial crisis . . . you know, maybe it is more complicated than I was thinking. Look it up on the Wikipedia. They know everything there!

Also look up commercial paper there, in case you were wondering about that.

Here’s Sarah Shahi again:

Yes, this was necessary. Very, very necessary. Not gratuitous at all. How else will you understand the true Sarah Shahi?

You’re interested in Life TV right now? And why? No, don’t tell me, you never make sense anyway.

 

Heather Locklear: 47 Years Old, on Drugs, Arrested, No Makeup, Been Crying and . . . Still Looks Way Better Than You

 

Speaking of TV, no love on the Internets for Heather Locklear and her mugshot? Are you just jealous that she’s 47, high, been out partying all night, just got busted, is getting her mugshot made by the friendly LA police people, and she looks better than you do after spending a day at the salon? Yeah, well, sorry, but she does. And that’s just the ugly truth of it, Internets.

But you do like 17 Kids and Counting. Good for you. I prefer Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

More in five minutes. Be more patient, Internets.

Ray Lewis, Haruki Nakamura, and the Kim Kardashian Mambo

Whassup, Peoples?

Right now, the big meme seems to be Ray Lewis. Why? Because the world likes football more than I do. 

People also seems suddenly very interested in The Kim Kardashian Mambo.

Whassup with Kim Kardashian, Who Mambos?

Who is Haruki Nakamura? More football? What’s wrong with you internet peoples? Football, football, and more football.

The Pelosi speech regarding the bailout is still a big deal. Why? Do you people really think she has something useful, relevant, or remotely interesting to say? Boy, I’ve got more I could say about that, but I gotta put the kids and then myself to bed. One day, I will truly tell you whassup with dat.

Apparently, all you football loving, Kim Kardashian watching folks also want Nancy Pelosi’s email address, too. I hope you’re emailing her that you plan to fire her come November, because whatever we got instead, it’d be better than what we got right now. True, dat. Double true.